Thinking differently

Way 37 of 50Take responsibility

Taking responsibility for what happens when you drink, including what you do under the influence, is a big step. It isn't about blame. It's about seeing your own part, because that's the part you can change.

After a difficult situation, ask yourself: what was my part in that? How did my behaviour, and my drinking, affect what happened?

Way 39 of 50Think flexibly

Watch out for all-or-nothing thinking. Between black and white there's a whole rainbow, not just shades of grey.

• Swap "should", "must", "ought" and "can't" for "I'd like to" or "it would be good to try". The first set breeds guilt and disappointment.
• If something doesn't work out, look at all the reasons, not just yourself. Say: "It didn't work this time. I've looked at what went wrong, and next time I'll try something different."

Drinking to forget problems is burying your head in the sand. Facing life sober is hard at first, and when you feel scared, stressed or angry you'll want a drink. Remind yourself who you are: "I'm a parent and I've got through all sorts with the kids." "I'm experienced at work and I handle problems every day." Write it down. Then say: "I am ... and I can deal with this." Take some slow breaths and let the feeling pass.

Try this todayWrite one sentence that starts “I am ...” and ends “... and I can deal with this.” Keep it in your phone.

Way 40 of 50Take back control

You have choices. Fate doesn't control your life. That can be hard to believe if you're feeling low and overwhelmed, and heavy drinking and depression often go together, each making the other worse.

Low mood often follows a loss or a run of bad events. Negative thoughts about ourselves then shape how we feel: we blame ourselves, do less, avoid people, and feel worse. The psychiatrist David Burns distinguished between sadness, a natural reaction to loss that we can learn from, and depression, which closes us off from other possibilities. Things that help:

• Challenge negative thoughts. Is the conclusion based on fact? If you feel like a bad parent, remember times you've been a good one. Remind yourself: "I've been happy before and I will be again."
• Be assertive. Say what you need and feel, honestly, without trampling on others. You have the right to say no, to change your mind and to make mistakes.
• Build your self-esteem. Self-worth isn't about achievements. It's believing you're a decent person who deserves love and happiness.
• Reach out to friends and family, and support them in turn.
• Balance work and demands with time for yourself, and start doing more, in small steps.
• See your GP. Low mood that won't lift needs proper help. Your GP can also check for physical causes, such as an underactive thyroid.

Way 42 of 50Do more of what makes you happy

If you wake up feeling good, you must have done something right the day before. What was it? Do more of it. Don't put off the things you know make you happy. Drinking can make you feel you're making plans, but it always gets in the way of carrying them out.

A satisfying life might include work you believe in, loving and being loved, feeling part of a family, group or community, time with friends, and dreams and goals you follow through. Only you can decide what yours look like.

Way 43 of 50List your good points

Write a list of your good points: what friends like about you, what you've achieved, and the qualities that got you there. You can use those same qualities to reach your goals now. When a craving hits, read the list.

Try this todayAsk a friend you trust what they like about you. Add it to your list.

Way 44 of 50Move on from guilt

Many heavy drinkers feel stuck in a downward spiral. Drinking leads to something going wrong; that brings guilt, anxiety and low mood; and drinking again numbs those feelings for a while, until the next round.

Everyone has a light at the end of the tunnel: a dream, an interest, something they care about. When you're trapped in heavy drinking it can be hard to see it, let alone reach it. Alcohol may help you talk about your dreams, but it saps the motivation to act on them. Goals are much easier to reach sober, once your energy comes back.

Some people need to step away from their drinking environment for a while to work out what they want. As they say in AA: "If you hang around a barber's shop, sooner or later you'll get a haircut." Counselling, returning to education, new or old hobbies, and for some the 12 steps, can all help you find your way. Some people who've had alcohol problems go on to train as addiction workers and counsellors themselves.

Way 45 of 50Appreciate your life

Think about the good things in your life: your good fortune, the people around you, your own qualities.

Psychologist Richard Wiseman found that people who see themselves as lucky tend to create more of their own luck, because they notice and take more opportunities. Martin Seligman's research on "learned helplessness" showed how feeling you have no control can lead to low mood. The reverse is also true: you can take back control and build the life you want, a sober one. Many people change their lives by changing their attitudes, and counselling, therapy or coaching can help.

Try this todayBefore bed, write down three things that went well today, however small.

Way 46 of 50Let go of the 'addictive personality' label

Believing you have an "addictive personality" can stop you trying to change. Some people do seem to become dependent faster than others, and research shows genes play a part in alcohol problems. But so do many other things: your attitude to drinking, the people around you, how you've learned to cope, loneliness and stress.

People with alcohol problems are more likely to have had a parent who drank heavily, through a mix of genes and upbringing. But plenty of children of heavy drinkers don't drink heavily, and plenty of people with alcohol problems have no family history. If your parents drank, you saw the damage it did. You can learn from their mistakes rather than repeat them.

You're an individual. You have a choice.